One Week Randomness
by Mr. Ree and Mr. Meenor
Summary: Twas a week before Christmas, and all through the Order, one man became crazy, and there was only disorder. Allen, Lavi, Lenalee, and everyone has to survive one week of one man's craziness. Can they do it? Who knows?
1. Chapter 1

Okay! Kurokumo here, wanting to say that this was an epic idea I've had in the longest time. I hope you do enjoy it. It will probably only be ten chapters long (that's all I have planned out for it… XD), but it should be funny (I hope). Note that all the poems within this chapter was written by yours truly. So! Let us commence forthwith with Chapter 1 of 'One Week Randomness'!

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man is the property of Katsura Hoshino and Funimation. This series is a parody and nothing more, so please support the official release. Got it? Damn well better…

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1. I Concur, You Damned Good Sir

It was December, which, as all should know, was far, far away from October, about ten months for the next one, but that wasn't going to stop the madness revolving around the Black Order. No one knew what was going on during that week except for the likes of one man. He did not tell anyone a thing, however, until that dawning of the morning, and even then some people were sleeping, so they did not get the message until later that morning when it was posted on their doors.

One in particular did not wake until the late morning hours. It wasn't that often he would do something like that, but for whatever the reason, he felt like sleeping in that day. He sat up and yawned loudly as the golden ball flew around his head in squares instead of circles like one would have expected. He groaned. "Timcanpy… Don't you think it's a little early to pretend I have a concussion?"

It didn't answer (then again, it never did) as it flew over towards the door and pointed with one of its tiny fingers. Confused, Allen stood up from the bed while yawning once more. His feet shivered at the coldness of the floor, telling him that indeed winter was drawing closer than he had anticipated, and walked towards the door. He stood before it, squinting at the words written in an over-extravagant, delicate handwriting that made it seem it must have taken hours to write the notice out. He read it quietly to himself, and then found himself shocked. It read as follows:

"_To Everyone in the Order!_

_I, Komui Lee, have ordered this week to be the first of the Annual Randomness Week, since there are already festive things floating about this time of year! I want to make this fun for everyone, so everyone has to abide to the rules I create or else they have to go complain to Komurin, who will make you go through several unnecessary surgeries that will make you wish you were dead. So, today, on this December 19__th__, everyone within the Order must only speak in rhymes. Those who fail to abide to this rule for the day will, once again, have to deal with Komurin and its new clones. (Even you, Kanda. Don't try to hide.)_

_I wish you all the best of joy._

_--Komui Lee."_

He stood there for another few minutes, re-reading it and not believing it one bit. How could somebody rhyme while talking? No one would even do this, anyways! He nodded to himself. Yes, everyone would just go against Komui's word and talk normally like they should, and it would be just fine. A slight twinge of anxiety told him otherwise and that this was actually happening. Well, the only way to find out was to go out there himself.

He found a clean pair of clothes and put them on quickly before tying his shoes and sighing. If this really was happening, and it wasn't a dream, the day would be the utmost strangest day he had ever had. Something clicked then. He turned and desperately ran back to the piece of paper on his door, re-reading it quickly. Annual Randomness WEEK? He had to cover his mouth with his hand to hide his scream of horror. Was Komui going insane?! Well, more than usual?! Kanda would have his head, no doubt, and the only person who probably would enjoy this was Lavi! He groaned as he opened the door and stepped out into the hallway. It was empty, but he could hear some people talking, though he could not quite focus in on what they were saying. He walked down to the dining hall slowly. He was starving, and he couldn't focus on anything on an empty stomach… He entered and was immediately hugged from behind by someone. He already knew who it was.

"Lavi…" he smiled lightly at the gesture. "Do you mind, would you get off of me?"

"Ooh, you noticed everyone else was rhyming, too?" Lavi let go of him and put his bandana back into place. "It's rather interesting-- I saw the flyer while putting on my shoe…" There was a frown on his face. "That was a lie, of course, but I have no other way of saying it unless I wanna get mauled by a robot-horse."

Allen tried to suppress the laugh that was welling up inside of him. Maybe this would be an interesting week, after all. "Well, you could just not speak… That is, if you want to become a mute for the rest of the week."

There was a clapping of hands from the redhead. "That was better than I expected from you, you know." He glanced at the window and sighed. "Man, I wish it really would snow. And also, this rhyming only lasts for a day. I wonder what the rest of the week will be like, anyway?"

He couldn't suppress it any longer as Allen laughed loudly in a sound of a bark, which got several looks from several people. Lavi gave him a sad look and sighed. "Hey, I'm not the only one who suffers from this thing. And who the hell decided that, for this week, Komui would be 'king'?! It's completely absurd, the fact that we have to rhyme word for word…" The frown deepened. "And Yuu-chan has been missing ever since this thing began. I'm guessing that he must've ran."

"I don't blame him," Allen remarked as he sat down after he stopped laughing. "Right now, I wish I were a golem like Tim…"

The two grinned at each other sheepishly before they headed towards Jerry's window. The pink-haired man gave them his best smile before speaking. "What do you two want for today? I can cook it anyway you want, in any which way!"

'_Man, even Jerry's rhyming… Could this day get any stranger?' _Allen thought as he had to think of what he wanted. _'How can I say what I want in rhyming form? I got so much food I want because I'm practically starved… So now what? Do I just go hungry or…?' _He snapped his fingers as a grin came over his face. _'Wait a minute, I know what to do! I can just make this like an epic of a poem! Let's try it!'_

At that moment, Lenalee came from behind, smiling, about to say something that might have been important (you could never tell with Lenalee), when Allen sucked in a deep breath and saying:

"Well, Jerry, for what I want today is rice as white as snow,

A few oranges and seven sticks of Mitarashi Dango,

Crumpets, bread, curry, liver and leeks,

Enough steak that could last an average person for several weeks,

Green tea and peppermint sticks with a single stirring rod,

(For the tea, of course) and a little bit of cod.

Also some chicken and maybe some stew…

Would you do all that, Jerry? Please and thank you?"

Lavi, Lenalee and Jerry stood there, stunned at the poem that Allen had just come up with on the spot. It sounded like something professional, something that you would have read out of an actual book, but since the topic was about food, it was a little bit harder to take it so seriously. Jerry just nodded after he took a few moments more to recover and headed into the back of the kitchen. Lavi subconsciously started clapping for Allen's 'triumph' as Lenalee could not find the words she was going to say earlier. It wasn't the best poem in the world, but for one to rehearse that so well on the spot was sheer genius. She shook her head quickly as if to get her head back into the game and smiled softly.

"Good morning, Allen-kun, Lavi," she said simply. "Came for food, have we?"

"Yeah, but this rhyming thing is a real pain," Lavi sighed, scrunching his face up in disapproval. "Why are we doing this? I mean, what will we gain? Komui must've lost his mind… And I can't think of any word that rhymes with that except for 'kind'."

"Behind, find, shined, pined," Allen listed off as he walked towards a table and sat down. "There are several words that rhyme with mind. Maybe your brain shrank. Must have happened when Komui blew your head up with a tank…"

"That was only one time," he protested, "and that wasn't a tank, that was some sort of robotic… er, lime! Man, I'm hating this day so much right now… But if Yuu-chan were here, I'd probably have a cow."

Lenalee smiled softly at the two of them. She had happened to have seen Kanda earlier, mumbling something about how he was going to murder Komui in his sleep or run away for the week. Though, there was obviously a flaw in Kanda's plan-- He was going to have to eat sometime, and the only person who made the best soba was Jerry, and that would require talking to him in order to ask for it. She sighed as she listened to the two boys converse. It would be any moment, now, when Kanda would walk through that door, because he had yet to eat breakfast. She watched the door intently because she knew well this was going to be rather interesting.

Several minutes passed as she just continued to stare blankly at nothing when a familiar scowl came across to the dining hall and made his appearance. Allen and Lavi looked up, partially shocked. He walked his way to the window where Jerry was and paused, as if trying to come up with something so that he could actually say it. Allen, Lenalee and Lavi all watched as he opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it again with actual words coming out of his mouth. "Soba, please."

And that was that. Jerry looked at him and nodded shyly before going into the back. Allen blinked. _'He didn't rhyme? If Komui finds out…!'_

Jerry came back with a bowl of soba in his hands and handed it to Kanda smiling. Kanda looked back at him with a semi-scowl on his face and said, "That was actually really fast, jeez," and went on his way to a separate table away from the rest of the group. They all watched as he sat down and began to eat his soba with a look of content on his face. They were shocked. They thought for certain that Kanda would say, "Fuck it", and storm Komui's office and kill him. But no, here he was, the most fearsome exorcist to exist, rhyming. The concept within itself was practically a joke.

"Kanda, are you okay?" Allen walked over to him as the Japanese Exorcist grunted at his presence. "I'd figured you'd be as mad as that time when Reever asked if you were gay."

The deadly glare was his response as he backed away slowly, fearing the presence of Mugen and retreated back to where Lavi and Lenalee were sitting. "He's in one of those moods again," he said as he sat down, picking up the fork beside one of the plates of food. "I don't understand, where did he learn how to threaten?"

"Well, Yuu-chan is Yuu-chan," Lavi said unhelpfully as he tried to steal some of Allen's food. The fork swatted his hand away as the one-eyed Exorcist pouted. "I mean, at least he can glare, 'cause he is a man. Though that didn't mean I didn't hit on him once or twice, but hey, what can I say, his looks are rather nice."

Allen, who was in the midst of eating the steak that he had ordered, began choking on the thought of that. Lavi, hitting on Kanda… Well, Kanda did look like a girl… He shifted a glance over to the quiet man eating his soba still. He wondered what Kanda did to him, if he had beaten him into a bloody pulp or tried to smother him in his sleep. He swallowed the steak and sighed, as if he felt defeated. If Kanda was rhyming, then he had to rhyme as well, or else, he just knew, that he'd go through hell.

He got up and walked back to Jerry's window after he finished eating and thanked him before heading somewhere else. Where to, he didn't know, but he just felt like walking. Lavi watched him leave as he sighed, bored, as Lenalee got up to follow him. Now what was he going to do? He stood up and put on his best grin as he sat down next to the always-scowling Kanda. "Hey, Yuu-chan, are we gonna go surge Komui's office or not? I mean, we can both do it together and, once we're done, watch his body rot… I'm already surprised that you are putting up with this. Obviously, something happened, so what did I miss? You're being too nice."

"Che. I don't know."

"That didn't rhyme, Yuu-chan-- Eat your rice."

Kanda looked at the rest of the food in front of him as he pushed it away, frowning. "Leave me alone, Baka Usagi, or else I'll make it so that you wished you never spoke to me." He grabbed his plates and put them back onto Jerry's counter and stormed out of the room. Lavi frowned. What, was no one going to talk to him today? So what else could he do aside from talking to Bookman? That thought was distasteful as he left as well in search of someone to annoy.

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All right, that was a short chapter. T_T But I want to make this interesting, so part of Chapter 1, done! Did you like it? Hate it? Love it? Destroy it? Hit me with a review, por favor, and I'll see you in two! Toodle-loo! --Kurokumo Soratami.


	2. Chapter 2

Nan desu yo! Welcome to Chapter 2! Wow, Christmas is coming fast for you people who celebrate Christmas. I hope you all have fun with that! But that is beside the point! Anyways, let us commence forthwith with Chapter 2 of 'One Week Randomness'!

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man is the property of Katsura Hoshino and Funimation. This series is a parody and nothing more, so please support the official release, mind slave!

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2. Time Your Rhyme

The way it was quiet unnerved the woman even more than she already was. She knew she was a slight 'spaz', as Lavi called it, but silence could only mean one thing, and that was someone was out to jump her and make her yell really, really loudly. Her eyes scanned feverishly as she took a few more steps towards her destination. The moment she passed the sketchy hallway with all of Komui's scientific creations in it, she sighed in relief and began to walk normally when a sudden slap on the back threw her completely off-guard.

"E-!!!!"

"Wha-Wha!!" Allen took several steps back, rearing his hand along with him as if he just got bitten by a viper. Miranda turned towards him with eyes like that of a frightened mouse, a small pout on her lips, tears forming on the edge of her eyes.

"O-O-Oh, it's just you, A-Allen…" she said, taking in heavy breathes. "For wh-whatever reason, I thought you were Kanda or Lavi or Komuren…"

The way she said 'Komurin' sounded wrong, but it rhymed fine with Allen. He gave her a sheepish smile. "I don't blame you for thinking that. But if it were Lavi, he would have hit you hard enough to make you flat. So how are you today? Is this rhyming thing in your forte?"

She nodded shyly. "To be honest, yes," she whispered as she ran her fingers through her hair nervously. "Remember when I was more crazy and a complete mess? I used to write poetry in my spare time, so I know the ways of how to rhyme. I'm more worried about tomorrow, given how much of this rhyming caused a lot of sorrow… Kanda had a huge scowl on his face when he walked by me. Is he mad about the rhyming thing or is he just hungry?"

"I don't know," Allen replied, walking ahead of her. "He is in a bad mood, though. A lot of people are, even Lavi, but then again, he's always been weird and crazy…" he shrugged as he turned to another hallway and waved at her. "I'll see around, Miranda! And make sure you don't get mauled by a panda!" With that, he walked off, leaving a very confused look on the girl's face. He sighed. Where was he going to go? What was he going to do? There was nothing but to practice and wait for another mission, but Komui had them home for the holidays, so none of them were leaving. That was probably part of the reason why Kanda was in such a bad mood as well…

He walked back into his room and sighed, staring at the white paper on the door and groaned. Really, what on earth was Komui thinking? He must have really lost his mind… He sighed again when he laid down and covered his eyes with his arm. Even though the day was young, he couldn't help but feel that this wasn't all that Komui had in mind to practically torture the exorcists into submission. Well, what was the worst that could happen? He frowned, letting his thoughts wonder elsewhere for a while. What _was_ the worst that could happen? Now that he thought that, it was doomed to happen, he just knew it.

'_Good going, Allen,' _he thought to himself as Timcanpy flew around his head once more, but only in a parallelogram shape instead of just a square. Allen ignored him and tried to think. _'Well, it is the holiday season, but some people don't celebrate holidays, like Kanda… So would that be fair of him to do something like that? But then again, he wouldn't care, now would he? He would make everyone do his crazy and maniacal deeds… Crap.' _He sat up. _'That means anything. And if it really does mean anything can go down this week…' _He felt a strange grin form on his face. _'Anything. That means absolutely anything. Like… cutting Kanda's hair or something. Why didn't I think of that before! This week is absolutely perfect to mess with that Ba-Kanda!'_

The creepy laugh was more than enough to make Timcanpy hide behind the bed. Allen had the look of a sketchy old man plotting to dominate the world. He could get back at anyone who messed with him this week! And maybe, just maybe, if he was nice enough, he could help Komui collaborate on what should happen tomorrow to pick on everyone! The grin became even more twisted as he got up and walked out the door, the evil thoughts forming in his head. _'Better yet…' _he thought as he continued walking towards Komui's office. _'Better yet, I could make him… Oooh, I love it!' _He started skipping down the hallways abnormally as Reever and Johnny, who were both heading towards the main science department branch, stared at him with their jaws dropped to the floor and with their eyes wide.

"T-Tell me I just didn't see…!" Reever started.

"I-I think you just did, Reever," Johnny finished for him.

Little did they know what was going on in the British Exorcist's head, for if they did, they probably would have tried to stop him and kill him on the spot. But alas, no one did, so the evil plans would more than likely commence thanks to two crazy people.

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'_Che. Is it just me, or do I feel a little bit different?'_

Kanda, in his almighty reign of being the hugest dick ever in the Order, was busy sharpening Mugen. It was quiet in his room, which felt nice, because the one thing this Order did not have enough of was peace and quiet. Once he was done, he put Mugen off to one side, frowning utterly. He really did feel different. He just wanted to find something cute and hug it.

'_What the fuck is going on with me?' _he thought as he sat on the floor, trying to meditate, but it wasn't going very well. _'Che. You'd think I'd be turning into the Baka Usagi, but I really do not like that thought. That rabbit-brat is by far the most annoying person in the history of annoying people.'_ He straightened his back a little and let out a quiet sigh. _'No, I stand corrected-- Moyashi is the most annoying person in the history of annoying people. And I thought Lavi was bad…' _He sighed, giving up trying not to think and stood up. He was going to kill Komui, he just had to. Why he was feeling different had to be because of that man. He probably put something in the food that Jerry put out and didn't tell him. He 'che'd' silently before opening the door to see, across the hall, Allen skipping like a crazy madman.

"What in the _fuck?" _he asked, watching as Allen and-- who was that, Komui?! --skipping down the halls together, both rhyming and saying stuff to one another as if they were best friends. Now he knew Komui did something. He snarled angrily as he went back into his room and picked Mugen up off of the floor and left, closing the door behind him, to go chase after the two far-too-happy idiots. "Che. Next thing you know, Lenalee will start to cluck. And then the apocalypse will happen and I never will have to deal with them ever again, making me the happiest guy in hell. Che, like that will ever happen. Oh well."

"Yuu-chan is rhyming on his own! Quick, someone get me the telephone!"

The resounding crash-bang-ka-boom after the sentence Lavi had said could only indicate the poor boy's near demise. "You know, I was just about to kill those to idiots that went that way, but it looks like I'll have to kill you first. Hooray."

'_M-Me thinks Yuu-chan is not in a good mood,' _Lavi thought as his hammer blocked the samurai's sword. "Wa-Wait, Yuu-chan! Listen to me, I have a plan! We could go after Komui and Allen together, right? And then for the rest of the week, we can sleep well during the night! What do you say, ah?"

Kanda frowned before putting Mugen away in its sheathe. "Che. Oi, Baka-Usagi."

"Wh-Wha?"

"Are you also feeling weird, or is it just me?"

Lavi thought about it for a moment before responding, slowly standing up when he was certain it was safe to do so. "What do you mean you're feeling weird, Yuu-chan? Are you starting to lose your identity as a man? Or maybe you really are gay, after all. Well, I don't blame you-- You are only, what, several inches tall."

"I'm only shorter than you by an inch, so shut the hell up," Kanda scowled. "And no, that's not what I meant. And fuck rhyming, I'm just going to explain it. I've been wanting to find things that are… things that could be considered as…" He fumbled for words as Lavi tilted his head a little to the left, completely confused. There was a long pause between them. There was no way Kanda could say 'cute'. Most people considered that he didn't even know the word in his vocabulary. But is he said something like that, then Lavi would know something is wrong, and he would have been able to relate if the same thing has been happening to him. It was the only possible way to determine that it was actually all of Komui's fault. "…Things that are… cute, damn it." A scowl crossed his face again. "Things like… I don't know… kittens or something."

There was a pause before abrupt laughter echoed through the halls. Lavi couldn't help it. Kanda Yuu wanted to find something cute to play with. The world must have been coming to an end.

"Oi! I'm being serious, God damn it! I don't like it at all!"

"Yuu-chan likes kittens! What's next, pink little mittens? Hah!" Lavi could feel the glare of death beaming directly at him. But, now that you mention it…" the apprentice Bookman frowned. "…I also feel strange. I feel like shit. I just want to be, I dunno, like you, threatening Allen and beating him to death with my shoe. But then again, you would use Mugen. Do you think this was part of Komui's plan or an honest mistake? Because I don't how much more of this crap I can take." He fidgeted with his headband a little bit more. "Oh, did you see Allen earlier, skipping and singing? I seriously thought that he must have been drinking! It was so weird, you should have seen it!"

"I did see that. Che."

The two were in silence as Lavi subconsciously started to braid Kanda's hair with girly ribbons, and, to his surprise, Kanda didn't yell at him. Now he was certain something was up. Komui must have done something if he wasn't dead from doing what he was doing, and whatever he did was something really bad and possibly the most evil thing Komui has ever done. And now, him and Allen were together…

"Shit!" Lavi said aloud. "What all three of us did together was eat! The food is tainted! I have to tell Jerry about this!"

"I could have told you tha--"

Lavi was already gone when Kanda was in mid-sentence. He remembered then that he was chasing after Allen and Komui to strangle them both for being stupid morons and tainting the Order with their existence.

'_Che. This is going to be a very long week,' _Kanda thought as he headed towards the direction they were heading in. _'A very, very long week…'_

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"So…" Allen spoke between skips, both men very intent on devising plans on how to make everyone's lives a whole hell of a lot worse. "What are… we going… to do… tomorrow? Are… we gonna… make them… suffer more sorrow?"

"Well, I don't know," Komui replied, skipping over Reever who was currently having a heart attack at the sight he was seeing. "It depends… on how this first day… goes. I want to do something with the food Jerry will make… But I lost my potion by mistake… I don't know where it would be… Just so long I find it before it becomes three…"

'_What does that have to do with anything?' _Allen thought absentmindedly as he skipped over Johnny and Tapp's sister whose name always escaped him. "Well… How about this? It would make everything go amiss…"

The two stopped skipping as Allen whispered one of his plans to Komui. When he was done explaining, the two of them grinned widely at one another, both of which were filled with pure evil and sheer genius. They nodded feverishly before giggling like crazy madmen, heading towards Komui's office and writing it out for the next day. "If I can't find that potion later today, we'll put this in its stead, though it will be better anyway! I can't believe you came up with this, boy! I'm so glad Lenalee won't really be affected by it, or else I would have made you become Komurin's toy! Heh heh heh! Now, to write this for tomorrow's flyer… We're going to have to collect all the girls here. No boy, except for you or me, can lend an ear. With haste! And also go get me some glue and paste!"

Allen nodded, still grinning widely, as he skipped out of the room to fetch as many girls as possible, along with tape and glue.

This week was just getting better and better.

And tomorrow would be the best day of his life.

Just so long as he wasn't killed by Kanda before he could execute the plan…

However, the strange yelling of a redhead that all knew far too well caught his attention and distracted him. He followed it for a split minute before hearing, "ALLEN, GET YOUR HEAD DOWN, NOW!"

'Huh--?'

It was too late as he was hit across the forehead with Lavi's hammer, which was the size of a bowling ball but hit like a ton of bricks. Lenalee and Miranda gasped as Lavi blinked once, totally confused. He hit Allen? But he meant to hit the robot he was fighting. He picked the unconscious Exorcist up and looked at everyone who was staring at him.

"…Uh… Now what do I do with him?"

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Huh, wonder what their plan is? Let me let you in on a little secret-- It's EPIC. Anyways… So! Did you like it? Hate it? Love it? Destroy it? Hit me with a review, por favor! See y'all in three! --K.S.


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